Noelle Mikazuki

The Awesome One

Dec 4, 2010

Just A Failure

I'm just a failure in every single thing in life.

I'm not a good student,
not a good daughter,
not a good sister,
not a good niece,
not a good girlfriend,
not a good friend,
not a good musician.

I try my best to do so many things, but I'm never achieving anything in life.
Everytime I want something so badly, the thing never gets to me, never.

Job, Hopes, Love, Freedom, everything.

I'm just a failure in every single aspect of life.
fuckmylife.

Who can live life worse than me.


I try so hard to make everyone around me happy everyday.
But I always fail to do so. I always end up making them upset.
I try so hard to study, to try to get into a university.
But I always fail to do so. I always end of flunking my exams, letting my emotions take the better of me.
I try so hard to find a job I want, just one job.
But I always fail to do so. I always end up jobless, always finding relations to get jobs.
I try so hard to be a good daughter, to make my parents worry less about me.
But I always fail to do so. I always end up making them upset and worried about me.
I try so hard to gain my freedom, to let my parents trust me to stay over at chalets.
But I always fail to do so. I'm just someone they cannot trust and leave me to be with friends.
I try so hard to be a good gf, to make my bf be himself while he's with me.
But I always fail to do so. I always end up creating barriers in him, making him upset.
I try so hard to be a good friend, a listener, someone's that's always there.
But I always fail to do so. I always end up busy with my stuff, neglecting my friends.
I try so hard to work for something I want in life.
But I always fail to do so. Not because I don't put in my best effort, but because I can't get it.
I try so hard to be a good singer, someone who sings to express.
But I always fail to do so. I'm not cut out for it.

I try so hard to be so many things in life.
But I always fail.

I'm just a failure.

I persevered for 19, 19 years of my life.
But what am I today? Nothing but a failure.
Always optimistic, always trying to find excuses to continue my beliefs, but what happened?
I still fail.

I fucked my own life.

Everyone's studying now, planning for their future roads in life.
University, Work, Overseas, etc.

Me?
I don't even know what the fuck i want in life anymore.

I just want to leave this world tonight in my dreams.
Please Santa, if you can't give me what I really want for Christmas, please grant me this last wish of mine.

I'm really very exhausted in every single thing in life.
I really don't want this life anymore.

Just let me be irresponsible, just this once and last time, can I?

4 comments:

Mirai ♥ said...

Oh gosh. when I read this post, it totally felt like reading my own diary.

It's like I'm 17, I have no accomplishment. Heck, I don't even have a SINGLE talent. I spent hundreds to take vocal classes but I'm just not made to sing. I have taken dance for a couple of years, but I still suck at it and I can only do so-so chinese dance. I can't sew, I can't speak Japanese, I can't take nice pictures, I can't even game well for god's sake.

I don't even know what I am good at. My results are mediocre and I fail at relationships. I don't even know what I want to become and I'm just drifting by everyday without much goals. I make my parents and friends worry so much about me I feel super guilty everytime. I just spend their hard-earned money and contribute nothing much, pretty much like a leech.

I'm a terrible project group member, a terrible daughter, a terrible waitress, (was) a terrible girlfriend, a terrible friend.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't born at all!

Anyway, pardon me for the wall of text. I felt that your post really reflected my feelings as well. Lol.

Just keep going, I'm sure someday we'll accomplish something, don't give up so easily. You're not the only one who feels this way, I'm not the only one either. I think other than us, there are surely many girls who feel this way too.

Instead of trying to be optimistic, why not try to be realistic? Look at what you can do now, what you can improve on and take small steps, one at a time. That's what I'm trying to do now and it makes me feel better!

Good luck, and I'll be supporting you here! =D

intheyear05 said...

Hey babe!

I guess i felt the same too. I felt things are going all wrong for me and everything just seems to fail.

But babe, keep your chin up. You have been doing really great so far. In case you didnt know, you are one of my friends whom I looked up to.

Seeing you pursuing your own dream, it's like see that spark of light in your eyes. I dont even know what my dream are. Im practically just living day to day life and see how things work.

Sometimes i too wish that i had a dream to follow, something I will wake up in the morning and look forward to.

So keep that dream of yours alive k? You are not a failure at all. You are doing great. =)

Love you!

Love,
Hui Fang

ツリキ said...

Hi. I saw your profile under the recent Nuffnangers that read my blog.
頑張って! You're still young and life's still a long way ahead.
(^^)ファイト!

Kelly_konomi said...

well...

I LOVE YOU!

i bet a lot of people treasure your companion..

so don't be so pessimistic!

just try out for everything ( harmless kind ) and you will definitely find something you're good at or at least something you enjoyed doing!